What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
That look soots you.
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"