Where my prose at?
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
"Sip happens."
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
You're acute Valentine.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Up to snow good.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.