Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.