I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
I love you dairy much.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Having a ball
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.