Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
The pint’s the limit.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.