Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
"Bone to be wild."
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Everybody romaine calm.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.