What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Witch you were here.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
The calm before the score
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
This is snow laughing matter!