What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
"That's all, yolks."
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.