I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.