What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!