Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Seed between the lines.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!