Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
All stereos are so typical.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Snow thank you.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"