What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
We like to paddy.
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
I’m elf-taught.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.