Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Tis the sea-sun.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
Salty but sweet.