My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Wish upon a starfish.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.