Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Up to snow good.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
Sip, sip, horray!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.