What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Let me plant one on ya!
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.