Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
Long thyme no see.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Nothing really mattress.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.