How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
I get a real kick out of you.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
I love you deerly.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.