I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
Beach you to it.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.