I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
You are un-beer-lievable!
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
You shamrock my world.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.