What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
You are un-beer-lievable!
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."