Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
"What an egg-citing day."
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.