I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
when I’m with you.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.