Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
I’m elf-taught.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak