What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
My weekend is fully booked.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight