“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!