It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.