Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
One should always practice what they peach.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Seas the day!
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."