What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Your presents is requested.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
My weekend is fully booked.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!