What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Have you botany plants lately?
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy