I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Why did the neuron like to sleep in the top bunk bed?
It wanted to have a high resting potential.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.