When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
"You crack me up."
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
You knead me in your loaf.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Call me on the shellphone.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Every piece of you is sweet.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.