Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
I only have ice for you.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick