Metaphors be with you.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
You’re my lucky charm.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.