What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
We are mint to be.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Let’s get elf-ed up.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.