I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Don't get tide down.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.