What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!