Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!