If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
I’ll never fir-get.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
I beg your garden?
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.