Red lorry, yellow lorry.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Water you doing on [date]?
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.