If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
"Partners in wine."
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
"I lava you."
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore