My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.