I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.