What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
Leave poetry to the prose.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
I have the final sleigh.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
I followed my heart to you.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.