Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.