How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
Don’t go bacon my heart.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.