Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
Do you comma here often?
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.