What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
---
What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”