A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
He threw three free throws.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.