What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
It's ice to meet you.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
I beg your garden?
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.