What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Up to snow good.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
You better beer-live it!
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.