A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Who put the Howl in Halloween?
Not ghouls just the people they ate!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.