Live to tell the tail.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
I whale-y like you.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!