What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!