Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Long time no sea.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
Come witch me to the party.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
Do you comma here often?
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.