What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Yoda one for me!
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
Readers do it by the book.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.