Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Treat yo shelves.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Mooning is very ASStrological
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.