When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
You’re my lucky charm.
How rude-olf of you.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
I can sea clearly now.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.