Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
Avoid pier pressure.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.