Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
I think therefore I yam.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
I whale always love you.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.