What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
We bee-long together.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.