What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
That’s a-may-zing!
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.