Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Seas the day!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!