What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
I only have ice for you!
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
"Just looking on the sunny side."
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun