There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Books are my kind of texts.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
People always talk about the 'Eye Of The Tiger'. No one talks about the other four letters.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.