A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.