You are shrimply the best!
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.