The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
This is snow laughing matter!
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
You're acute Valentine.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.