Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
"Just one hot chick."
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.