The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Water you doing?
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What did the flower say when he wanted a second chance?
I’ll grow on you.
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.