An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.