Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Birch, please.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
In the eyes of the lawn.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”