What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
What is the study of real estate? Homology
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
I love you a tot!
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.