Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Just brew it!
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
"Time to wine down."
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.