Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.