How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.