Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
"Some people have no guts."
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.