Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
qwsedrftgyhujikolpawesdrtfgyhujikloaszxdcrfvgtbhnjmk,lazsxdcfvgsedtfrgyftg67y78u87u8uii9op[;'';;'/;l/l;.l.k,lkmjkmertyudfghjk12q21q2qw3qwe3we4r45rt6ygerdgfvbwedfcv qwedfscv
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
"Lazy bones."