Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
I love you deerly.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.