Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
I cannoli be happy
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
We’re mint to be.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.