I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
You are aged to perfection.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
You’re sledding a fine line there.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.