If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!