What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
I beacha miss summer already!
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Paddy like a rockstar.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do you call a lazy crayfish?
A slobster.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”