What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Shes a fairy realistic person.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
You're one in a melon.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty