How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
Readers do it by the book.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
How is a dog and a marine biologist alike? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
You’re my soul Santa.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
I love you dairy much.
Time to spruce things up.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
As it snow happens.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.