Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
I hope for world peas.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.