Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
The calm before the score
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.