My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.