I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
Hassock hassock, black spotted hassock. Black spot on a black back of a black spotted hassock.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
You’re my #1 pick.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.