Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Werewolves love their fast food.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.