What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
Shake your shamrocks.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.