My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
The ocean made me salty.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.