No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
I hope for world peas.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”