What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
I wood never leaf you.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.