Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
You’re udder-ly perfect.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
You’re the queen of my heart.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!