In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"