What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.