What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
You’re right up my alley.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.