I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Ants in your plants.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
"Say you'll be wine."
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
"No body won the skeleton race."