Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
On a keyboard, nothing is under control.
Pugs and kisses.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.