What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What trophy does a stay-at-home defencemen win? The Snorris!
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Don't worry, bee happy!
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.