I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
You shamrock my world.
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Pugs and kisses.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
How Rudolf you to say that!
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring