Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
You’re unbeleafable.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
You have goat to be kidding me.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
I couldn't chair less!
I’ll never fir-get.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.