What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
Jokes are a lot like American football.
If you haven't gotten anywhere with the first three tries, you'll need to rely on your punner.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!