Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.