Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.