I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What do you call it when it's raining and the sun is shining but a rainbow doesn't come out? A refrainbow.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.