Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”