Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
She sells seashells by the seashore.