Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.