How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.