What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.