I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
I only have ice for you!
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.