I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!