“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Irish I had better jokes.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers