Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
It's lit.
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.