Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Feeling fintastic.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
Beach, please.
You’re wine in a million.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
It takes one to snow one.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
I love you so fairy much.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.