Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
My love for you is like no otter.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
As it snow happens.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.