Can I Alp you?
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.