What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
"Yoda one for me."
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
I like your tight end
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Talk literary to me.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
How did cars walk on to Noah’s Ark?
4X4.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."