What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
I’ll never fir-get.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Dublin over in laughter.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
That’s a-may-zing!
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Let’s get elf-ed up.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!