What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
You better beer-live it!
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
I like you a latte.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.