What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
You octopi my thoughts.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.