Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
Don’t be elfish.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.