They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.