What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
My love for you is like no otter.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why did the blonde volleyball player end up getting fired from her waitressing job? Someone said she needed to serve the food.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.