What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.