I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
I’m feelin’ green.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”