How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Who did Prince Mushroom fall in love with at the royal ball? - Chanterella!
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Case in punt
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
You are shrimply the best!
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.