What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
You knead me in your loaf.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.