I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!