Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
You have goat to be kidding me.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.