"I'm nuts about you."
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
We were mermaid for each other.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer