Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
I’ll never fir-get.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.