I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.