What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!