There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"