The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
I have a bone to pixie with you.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.