What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
How many colors are in the rainbow? I haven't got a blue.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.