A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
All clover the world.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?