What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
It’s snow joke.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.