Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.