A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
"Having a good hare day."
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.