What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
You’re wine in a million.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.