How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
The weather outside is snow joke.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.