Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.