What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
I only have ice for you.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
"Reti or not, here I come!"
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!