I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.