What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
You are aged to perfection.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
I think you're mer-mazing.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
What did the astronaut cook for lunch? An unidentifiable frying object.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.