What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
It’s snow joke.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
You mermake me happy.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.