I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.